I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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