I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
