I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
