Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
