So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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