she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
