this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
