woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
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