You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
