you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
