So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
