Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
