even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
