I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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