saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
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He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
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I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
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