Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
