I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
