Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
