MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
