Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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