My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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