OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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