I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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