Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
