I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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