Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
