I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
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