i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
