the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
