I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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