Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
