when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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