Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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