it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
