Umm I'm too high to move.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
