A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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