I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I will die if light touches me.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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