fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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