He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
