Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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