You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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