mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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