wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
