There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
