hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
