Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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