You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
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so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
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I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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