I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
The air was thick with penises
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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