maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
