i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
