Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
