I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I just want to make out with him forever
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
