True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
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