but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
jump out the window naked night went bad
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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