Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
