Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
